


regards, steve rogers

by evotter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, No Spoilers, Peter says Fuck, Social Media AU, idk where in the timeline this is but just go along with it, sry if they're kind of ooc this is like my second fic for marvel i'm LEARNING okay, steve rogers is captain holt, this is funny if i do say so myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 14:23:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18780055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evotter/pseuds/evotter
Summary: Peter Parker to Wanda Maximoff: when u think abt it z is just a sideways nWanda Maximoff: Peter. It’s 4 in the morning. Please stopPeter Parker: zo





	regards, steve rogers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mariaschuyler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariaschuyler/gifts).



> anyway enjoy

_MJ_ to _Peter Parker:_ hey you’re on tv

_MJ:_ wow i can’t believe i’m friends with a famous person!111!!!

_MJ:_ holy shit dude that looked like it hurt

_MJ:_ i think your first aid kit is still at my place if you wanna swing by when you’re done getting your ass kicked :’)

_MJ:_ hahaha get it “swing” by i’m so hilarious

_Peter Parker:_ yea hilarious

_MJ:_ did you really just text me in the middle of a fight

_Peter Parker:_ my phone was buzzing like crazy i thought it was an emergency

_Peter Parker:_ turns out it was just u spamming me n may asking if i want thai for dinner

_MJ:_ hello that is definitely an emergency

_MJ:_ i’m coming to dinner

_MJ:_ now go back to getting your ass kicked it’s fun to watch

=

_Peter Parker:_ u know

_Peter Parker:_ i really would rather have done hw than fight those guys

_MJ:_ you did NOT just text that to me

_MJ:_ i’d rather fight someone than do my hw

_Peter Parker:_ that does not surprise me

=

_Ned Leeds_ to _peter and his only friends:_ how come i wasnt invited 2 dinner :(

_MJ:_ i invited myself

_Ned Leeds:_ ok sounds fair

_Ned Leeds:_ does this mean i get to invite myself to dinner

_Peter Parker:_ u’ve been inviting urself for like 3 yrs now

_Ned Leeds:_ not true

_Ned Leeds:_ may always texts me and tells me not to tell u

_Peter Parker:_ she does!?!?!?

_Ned Leeds:_ shit

_MJ:_ apparently webs isn’t the only one of us who sucks at keeping secrets

_Peter Parker:_ i fed u thai food and this is how u treat me!?

_MJ:_ your AUNT fed me thai food and i gave her a hug before i left

_Peter Parker:_ also when did u change the group name

_MJ:_ when clint barton blocked you for offering to babysit his kids

_Peter Parker:_ how do u KNOW ABOUT THAT

_MJ:_ me and bird man are tight

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Unknown:_ can u pls ask hawkeye if hes actually friends with my friend mj i need 2 kno 4 science

_Unknown:_ he says yes

_Peter Parker:_ thanks nat

=

_Peter Parker_ to _MJ:_ fuck u

_MJ:_ anytime

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Wanda Maximoff:_ when u think abt it z is just a sideways n

_Wanda Maximoff:_ Peter. It’s 4 in the morning. Please stop

_Peter Parker:_ zo

=

_Ned Leeds_ to _Tony Stark:_ hi its peter please reactivate my phone i promise i was sleeping b4 i texted wanda

_Tony Stark:_ Do you know proper grammar?

_Ned Leeds:_ yea but i choose not 2 use it -peter

_Tony Stark:_ Why?

_Ned Leeds:_ it defines who i am -peter

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Tony Stark:_ how do u casually tell someone ur falling apart

_Peter Parker:_ do u do it with finger guns

_Peter Parker:_ oh shit wrong person sorry

_Peter Parker:_ mr stark pls stop calling me im trying to finish this physics assignment before midnight

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Steve Rogers:_ 911

_Peter Parker:_ where r u i need u

_Peter Parker:_ emergency

_Steve Rogers:_ How bad is it  
                      Regards, Steve Rogers

_Steve Rogers:_ Didn’t get an alert  
                      Regards, Steve Rogers

_Steve Rogers:_ I’m getting your location. On my way  
                      Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ oh

_Peter Parker:_ shit no wait

_Peter Parker:_ this is not an avengers thing my b

_Peter Parker:_ i need u for my gov paper

_Steve Rogers:_ Please do not text 911 if it is not a 911 situation  
                      Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ but CAP

_Peter Parker:_ this is a 911 situation!!!!!!!!!!

_Peter Parker:_ my paper is due in 10 minutes and i need 1 more source plz

_Peter Parker:_ i texted bucky but he didnt answer me i think hes ghosting me ever since i kicked his ass accidentally last week

=

_Bucky Barnes_ to _Peter Parker:_ Stop telling people you kicked my ass.

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Steve Rogers:_ snitch

_Steve Rogers:_ Do you usually submit your assignments within minutes of the deadline  
                      Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ yea always

_Steve Rogers:_ Then you deserved it  
                      Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ :(

_Steve Rogers:_ Give me 30 seconds and I’ll call to give you a quote  
                      Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ :)

=

_MJ_ to _Peter Parker:_ why do you let flash talk to you like that

_Peter Parker:_ i just ignore it most of the time

_MJ:_ that doesn’t answer my question

_Peter Parker:_ i dunno i just let him do it

_Peter Parker:_ why do u care abt it anyway it doesnt concern u

_MJ:_ you’re an idiot

_Peter Parker:_ he only does it like once a week anyway idc

_MJ:_ absolute fucking idiot

=

_Steve Rogers_ to _Peter Parker:_ How did you do on your paper?  
                                             Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ idk yet, it hasnt been graded. mr harrington def thought i was joking when he saw ur name on my works cited tho

_Steve Rogers:_ Do I have to call him to prove it was actually me?  
                     Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ no u’d probably shock him into a heart attack tbh

_Peter Parker:_...on second thought, maybe u should call him

_Steve Rogers:_ Please don’t text me for at least another week.  
                     Regards, Steve Rogers

=

_Tony Stark_ to _Peter Parker:_ If I see you on the news falling off a building one more time I’m going to sic Wilson on you

_Peter Parker:_ NO

_Peter Parker:_ why would u torture me like that

_Tony Stark:_ One, your grammar is awful

_Tony Stark:_ Two, you deserve it

_Peter Parker:_ clint barton texts worse than i do and i dont see u chasing him around with any of the avengers

_Tony Stark:_ Do you want me to add Barnes?

_Peter Parker:_ do u want me to be dead within the hour

_Peter Parker:_ we have got to talk about u leaving me on read bc honestly u know i cant handle it

=

_Sam Wilson_ to _Peter Parker:_ THIS is where you go to school????

_Peter Parker:_ why are u at my school

_Sam Wilson:_ Picking you up

_Sam Wilson_ sent a photo.

_Sam Wilson:_ :)

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Ned Leeds:_ when i die tonight tell that stray cat i love him

_Ned Leeds:_ which one

_Peter Parker:_ all of them

_Ned Leeds:_ ok

=

_May Parker_ to _Peter Parker:_ Why are you dying tonight?????

_Peter Parker:_ falcon and the winter soldier are attempting to pick me up from school

_May Parker:_ Oh.

_May Parker:_ Can you pick up eggs on your way home? We’re out

_May Parker:_ Please get them before they kill you because if you break another carton of eggs you’re grounded.

_May Parker:_ Larb you <3

=

_Peter Parker_ to _MJ:_ passed by flash and he didnt even look at me

_Peter Parker:_ what did u do

_MJ:_ what he deserved

_Peter Parker:_ which was????

_MJ:_ karma

_Peter Parker:_ why are u a real life cryptid

_MJ:_ ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

_Peter Parker:_ so ur rly not going 2 tell me??

_MJ:_ no

_Peter Parker:_ does this mean ur talking to me again at least???

_MJ:_ what’s may ordering for dinner

_Peter Parker:_ she’s “making” lasagna

_Peter Parker:_ so pizza, probably

_MJ:_ i’ll be talking to you again at 6pm

_MJ:_ see you then

_Peter Parker:_ dinner’s at 5

_MJ:_ i’m going to pretend you don’t exist until 6

_Peter Parker:_ duly noted

=

_Peter Parker:_ do i have a crush on mj

_Ned Leeds:_ yes peter

_Peter Parker:_ is it obvious

_Ned Leeds:_ yes peter

= 

_Peter Parker_ to _Tony Stark:_ next time yall have a big bad attack can u like. invite me pls

_Tony Stark:_ There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

_Peter Parker:_ lecture me later

_Peter Parker:_ i feel like i dont need to keep reminding u that i can help

_Tony Stark:_ I agree.

_Peter Parker:_ ok great cool cool cool

_Peter Parker:_ id text u finger guns but there isnt an emoji for that

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Tony Stark:_ how the fuck did u make a new emoji that fast

_Tony Stark:_ Magic.

_Tony Stark:_ Do you kiss your aunt with that mouth?

_Peter Parker:_ u kiss pepper with urs

_Peter Parker:_ if may asks ill tell her u taught me these words

_=_

_Ned Leeds_ to _Tony Stark:_ hi its me peter please reactivate my phone

_Tony Stark:_ I’ll think about it.

_Ned Leeds:_ ill buy an oscorp phone dont think i wont -peter

=

_Tony Stark_ to _Peter Parker:_ Fine. You win.

_Peter Parker:_ :)

=

_Clint Barton_ to _MJ:_ plz babysit the kids 2nite

_MJ:_ i’m busy

_Clint Barton:_ wifes out of town n i got avengers shit

_Clint Barton:_ ill pay u

_MJ:_ you always pay me

_Clint Barton:_ sbux 4 a month

_MJ:_ two months.

_Clint Barton:_ ugh

_Clint Barton:_ deal

_MJ:_ what time do you need me there?

_Clint Barton:_ ETA 5 mins

_Clint Barton:_ kids coming 2 u

_MJ:_ WHAT

_Clint Barton:_ sbux 4 three months

=

_Peter Parker_ to _MJ:_ why is clints bitmoji on snapchat at ur house

_MJ:_ you have him on snapchat?

_Peter Parker:_ yes

_Peter Parker:_ refuses 2 give me his # so i had to improvise

_MJ:_ babysitting his kids

_Peter Parker:_???? are u serious

_MJ:_ yes

_MJ:_ they’re evil

_MJ:_ come over

_Peter Parker:_ cant

_MJ:_ backstabber

_Peter Parker:_ sry

_Peter Parker:_ but if u turn on the news u’ll see me getting my ass kicked

_MJ:_ we talked about u texting during crime fighting

_Peter Parker:_ yes

_Peter Parker:_ but im not texting

_MJ:_ how is your grammar still shitty then

_Peter Parker:_ karen is v good

_MJ:_ tell karen i’m mad at her

_Peter Parker:_ shes going to block u

_MJ:_ don’t you dare

_Peter Parker:_ not my choice sorryyyyyy

_MJ:_ i hope the green goblin kicks you in the head

=

_MJ_ to _Peter Parker:_ holy shit i didn’t mean it literally

_MJ:_ get up

_MJ:_ peter get the fuck up

_MJ:_ karen i s2g if you fucking blocked me i’m going to march down there and disable you so quick

_Peter Parker:_ karen says ur violent

_MJ:_ oh thank god

=

_MJ_ to _Clint Barton:_ i’m pretty sure lila is old enough to babysit her brothers

_Clint Barton:_ are u srsly complaining bout free sbux

_MJ:_ nathaniel kicked me like six times

_Clint Barton:_ bc u were watching tv and not listening 2 him

_Clint Barton:_ hes v temperamental

_MJ:_ peter had just gotten hit by green goblin

_Clint Barton:_ o sry

_Clint Barton:_ ur boyfs ok, btw

_Clint Barton:_ ill b at ur house in 5 to get the kids

_MJ:_ he’s not my boyfriend

_Clint Barton:_ lol ok

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Tony Stark:_ ok. maybe dont always call me

_Tony Stark:_ Hate to say I told you so.

_Tony Stark:_ How’s the head?

_Peter Parker:_ hurts

_Peter Parker:_ this compression thingy rly helps tho

_Peter Parker:_ thanks mr stark

_Tony Stark:_ Any time, kid.

_Tony Stark:_ Get some rest.

=

_Peter Parker_ to _Steve Rogers:_ got my grade

_Peter Parker:_ mr harrington gave me an A

_Peter Parker:_ he also drew a heart next to ur name on my works cited so that kind of concerns me but im not complaining abt the grade

_Steve Rogers:_ Good job, Peter.  
                     Regards, Steve Rogers

_Steve Rogers:_ I’m proud of you.  
                     Regards, Steve Rogers

_Peter Parker:_ ok cap we really gotta talk about this ‘regards steve rogers’ thing

=

_Peter Parker_ to _MJ:_ hey so

_Peter Parker:_ dr banner’s birthday is next week and mr stark is throwing this huge party

_Peter Parker:_ i was wondering if u wanted 2 go with me like as my date or like yeah

_MJ:_ i thought you’d have already invited ned

_Peter Parker:_ crazy thing

_Peter Parker:_ ned got his own invitation

_MJ:_ i’m shocked and offended

_Peter Parker:_ ok i may be holding urs hostage

_MJ:_ heathen

_MJ:_ an avengers party is a terrible place to have a first date

_Peter Parker:_ get dinner with me tn and we’ll call it our second date

_MJ:_ get coffee with me tomorrow. avengers party’s gotta be our third date or no deal

_Peter Parker:_ lmao

_Peter Parker:_ deal

_Peter Parker:_ i’ll swing by at 7?

_MJ:_ wear somethin’ pretty

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments plz ur all so kind


End file.
